oh, the irony

"the only constant in life is change."

yeah, let that sink in for a minute.

the fact that the only thing that i can be sure of in life is that change will always keep coming is utterly depressing. 

humans don't like change. 

i happen to be one of those humans.

i can deal with the small changes life brings me. (like driving a new way to work, or eating cereal instead of eggs for breakfast.) but it's those big changes that are killer.

big changes for sam lately.

moving.

moving again.

being a senior.

having to pay for gas.

not playing with my friends.

having only 3 sisters near me.

making/losing friends.

stressing about college.

losing 6 inches of hair.

and more are coming. gross. 

later kids,

sam

for the love of llamas

#LLAMAFEST2013

llama fest is a real thing. i even have proof.

this llama's name, though it sounds VERY racist

is White Pride.

(also, yes i cut my hair)

I JUST FREAKIN LOVE LLAMAS. they are just the cutest. (even though they spit.)

(from left to right) loni, me, pride, abigail, and casie.

i'm so lucky to have friends who love llamas as much as me. haha .

later llama kids,

sam

home

for the last decade i have called 4621 Fieldcrest Dr. home.

but i will no longer be able to do that. because it's now someone else's home.

i'm currently residing at a place that has an address that i don't know, because i can't remember it. that's what happens when you get a new house. you don't remember anything about it until you've lived there for AT LEAST a year.

a home.

 

an empty house echoes.

we remove our lives,

and therefore the sound.

its so quiet here,

the life is gone

and in its place

we leave no remnants

of ourselves.

 

as the house is emptied

i silently wonder

if the house will remember.

remember all the things

that went on inside.

will my family still be there

even when we leave.

 

this house made me

happy.

made me feel

safe.

made me feel

loved.

if we leave the house,

can i still have all those

feelings?

 

was it the house itself?

was it the walls,

the colors,

the smells,

the floors,

the hallways,

that made me feel?

 

no.

 

it wasn't

walls

colors

smells

floors

or hallways

that made this house a home.

 

it was a family.

a family lived here,

and left here.

 

and now a new family will

live here,

and love here.

 

but even though we leave,

we take our home with us.

a home isn't

a place a residence,

a home is

a place of being.

 

being with family.

where my family is,

that is my home.

what is summer.

i currently hold a total of 3 jobs.

introducing....

JOB #1: FRONT DESK GIRL (@ the af rec center)

usually i get to work up at the front desk, but on days like today, i have the privilege to work out in the Hut.

---working in the Hut is fabulous, because i don't have to talk to anyone, i have my own air conditioner, and computer (with internet), and i can basically do whatever i want (so long as i help the patrons who happen to need me to help them.).

let me introduce you to the Hut:

(not pictured above: my view from the window)



i am actually working right now. my shift is from 3:00-7:15. i have been here for a total of...two hours. i'm not going to lie, i'm a little bored. i already checked instagram, facebook, twitter, and pinterest. i already tried to plan my new room. i tried reading, but can't. so this is what's left. blogging.

so.

i guess this is it. sorry for the boring post...i suppose i could tell you all about the cute lifeguard that i get a nice view of from my window...but maybe i'll save that for later ;)


later kids,
sam

get over [INSERT NAME HERE]

let me just preface this post by saying, no i was not in a relationship. but i was in a friendship, which i thought might've been more than a friendship, and i did invest a lot of time/thought/energy into this friendship, all for no good reason (because boys are stupid idiots.).

now we all know just how much i love to make lists.

this is a list, buts is really more of an instructional piece of literature.

ready?

how to: get over [INSERT NAME HERE]

STEP 1. PUBLIC HUMILIATION.

haha, kidding. sort of. 

i'm not a big advocate for public humiliation.

but i did tweet this.

abby thought what i did was rude,

i did not.

so i'm counting it.

STEP 2. GIVE YOUR HEARTACHE ITS OWN PERSONAL SOUNDTRACK.

i enjoy doing mine in phases.

phase 1: sad songs, that i can listen to while eating a bucket of ice cream.

phase 2: mad songs, that i can listen to while throwing some stuff, or driving fast.

phase 3: remission songs, that i can listen to to remind myself that other people

 know boys are stupid too.

STEP 3. DELETE EVERYTHING.

i mean it. everything.

his number, his snapchats.

unfriend him on facebook.

unfollow him on twitter/instagram.

if you can't contact him,

you won't.

DUH.

STEP 4. EAT DELICIOUS FOOD. 

seriously. eat like you're not even trying to watch your weight.

i mean, its not like you're trying to impress anyone anyway, right?

STEP 5. GO BE SOCIAL.

now i'm not saying go to a raging party and see a million people.

but at least go to walmart and buy some more goodies.

maybe say hello to someone.

(all i'm saying is that human interaction doesn't hurt.)

BOOM. there you have it.  

i hope doing these things helps.

if it doesn't, you can always just go and TP the crap out of his house.

or egg his car.

(not that i've considered doing either of those things.....)

haha.

later kids,

sam

here's your sign

i've been taking sign language for basically two years now.
even though i complain about going to my ASL class, the truth is: i love learning the language. and i don't even mind having to learn all the history, because its interesting.

every once in a while, i get the chance to use my skill. and i'm not going to lie, it makes me so happy, and it makes me feel like a pro (even if i stumble over what i'm trying to say, and make mistakes).

i like the language a lot because it's so simple.

one sign can mean so many things. and to make a phrase mean more, you add more emphasis. make the movement more drastic.

i like the language because its not complicated.

english is complicated. there are too may elusive words, that get in the way of explanation.
words can get so complicated and twisted. and you can take one word to mean another, and then everything is messed up.

but with sign language,

everything is so clear and 

simple

and easy.

not to brag, but i'm pretty good at it too. haha. 

later kids,

sam

understanding people.

fourth term is almost over, and has left me feeling very inadequate. i'm barely passing all my classes, and i've ALMOST got all my attendance schools done, and i work all the time, etc. but 75% of my inadequacy come from the fact that i have actually gotten worse at analyzing things. 

i realized this when i was talking with one of my friends about a song. and she was all like "oh my gosh, it just is so good. and it has all these hidden meanings" and i was just like "...yeah. totally. i totally know what you're talking about..." when the truth is: i knew the song, i knew the lyrics by heart, but i hadn't actually taken the time to really understand the song, you know?

and so that got me thinking: where else in my life have i not been understanding things?

at the moment i'm not understanding* why i have to go to school, and boys, and why i can't just sleep all the time. 

*by "understanding", i mean: analyzing.

but mostly--PEOPLE.

how many times a day do i talk to people, who i KNOW, but don't UNDERSTAND. i've lost my ability to analyze a person, and see beyond what they tell me. i've had a hard time reading between the lines, so to say. it is truly frustrating, and it worries me. 

hopefully i can get back into my own way of analyzing with some practice.

#practicemakesperfect

later kids, 

sam

you knew it was coming, a post about boys.

now, before you go getting your hopes up thinking you're going to hear all about my juicy love life, let me assure you that my interactions with humans of the opposite sex are very awkward on my part, on account of i don't know how to function around cute boys.

lemme tell you, its a real inconvenience.

i have a hard time functioning most of the time, but when it comes to boys...i'm hopeless. forreals though.

exhibit A: boy flirts/cuddles with me. boy i like guesses that i like him. i tell him he is right. he tells me he likes me too. one month later we still don't talk about what happened. in fact, we dont' really talk at all.

exhibit B: i basically just stare at the boy i have chemistry with, (literally though, we are in the same chem class. (yeah, i know, i'm really punny.)) all the time. he is seriously one of the most attractive people i have ever seen in my life. *sighs* and he actually knows i exist. (<---thats a pretty big step for me, guys.) and every time i see him, literally i melt like butter on hot toast.

everyone tells me that all those boys don't know what their missing. 

so in an effort to raise my self esteem, 

and let all boys know just what their missing...

REASONS YOU SHOULD DATE ME:

1.) i'm pretty hilarious, if i do say so myself.

2.) i promise i can look cute if i really want to.

3.) i love to cuddle.

4.) i like to do cheap/free things.

5.) i don't enjoy participating-in/watching PDAs.

(translation: i won't make out with you in public.)

6.) i'll probably force you to go on a mission.

7.) i will watch endless movies with you. 

(reference #3)

8.) i might make you cookies.

9.) i love to dance.

10.) i have zero hand-eye-coordination.

(translation: you can be all manly and teach me how to 

play pool, and swing a baseball bat.

there are endless romantic scenarios there.)

11.) i'll probably let you hold my awkward hands.

okay, okay. i suppose i can stop there, because you all know why i'm so hilariously cool. (not to mention i stopped running out of ideas at #4.) 

ANYWAYS.

#boysgetatme

thats all kids,

sam

all i want in life

if i asked you, "what do you want out of life?"

you'd probably respond by saying, "oh yeah, you know, i totally want to become crazy successful and rich, and famous, and also i want to have a family, and a super awesome career, and blah blah blah blah blah [insert your dreams here]."

if you were to ask me, "what do you want out of life?"

i would have to answer, "the only thing i want out of life, is to live."

but really. (okay guys, i'm really sorry about having to post about being sick of school AGAIN, but on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being really sick) i am a 10000000e45. (thats a lot.))

mostly i'm just sick of feeling like i'm wasting my life.

all i do is sit in a desk all day and stare off into space while pretending to listen.

and then i come home and sit on the couch or at the table and do homework.

sit sit sit sit sit sit.

BUT.

in one year from now, i will be almost graduated. this idea fills me with butterflies that tickle my insides until i scream with joy.

but until i actually graduate, i'll just be sitting in a desk, day-dreaming about the life i want to live, when i finally get to be done with high school. 

what sam dreams about:

1. TRAVEL. (anywhere new, anywhere interesting. pretty much anywhere that isn't utah county.)

2. FOOD. (don't make fun of me please.)  i want to try so many different kinds of food. (fun fact about sam #4: i looooooove food)

3. AFRICA. oh my, i so badly want to go to africa and serve the people there. they have so little, and i have so much that i'm not even really thankful for. it makes my heart ache, literally, just thinking about those poor starving people, who have so much less than me, and yet are still so extremely happy.

4. FILM. i love film photography, and developing the photos personally. i had a chance to do this a few years back, and it was honestly the coolest thing i've done. taking the film from the camera, and developing it, and making so many prints--by hand--it fascinates me beyond belief, but more on that later.

i've only given you a taste of what i dream about. 

(also, you should know that i do indeed 

have practical dreams of going to college, and family and 

what not so that you don't think i'm a complete waste of space.)

i count myself with the dreamers.

later kids,

sam

friends who write

you know what i love? 

bacon.

you know what i love more than bacon?

a good piece of writing.

you know the feeling you get when you read something amazing? a good sentence full of strong words that when strung together sound like sweet music, and give you chills just looking at them on the paper?

i read something like that recently. and it did give me chills. can i share a sample of it with you?

"as they slowly fall to the ground, 

each word is temporarily forgotten, 

saved for when i have the courage 

to pick up my pen and begin again."

--casie* (aka my bff)

apparently she is a closet writer.

because after almost 3 years of being my best friend,

i had no idea she could write such beautiful words.

pretty much i just love her to death. 

and now i'm going to show you how cute we are.

we are just totes adorbs. am i right?

later kids,

sam

i can't name this

if i were to describe myself in one word, it would have to be, hands-down, without a doubt,

awkward.

while trying to find funny little awkward pictures that would aid me in explaining how awkward my life is, i stumbled upon these little gems.

whilst perusing these "socially awkward penguin" pictures, i was thinking to myself, "oh my gosh, these are so sad."

it took me a few seconds to realize why i thought it was so sad. then it dawned on me.

I AM THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD PENGUIN.

i have literally done all of those things. 

honestly, if being awkward was a sport,

i would be an olympic gold metal winner.

if you have never seen me be awkward then you have never ever in your whole life seen/met me.

*tries to find a non-awkward way to end this post*...*can't*

later kids,

sam

(p.s. it took me ten minutes to try to come up with a title for this post.

there really isn't a non-awkward way to name such an awkward post.

i apologize immensely.)

motivation, or lack thereof.

today i am here to talk to you about how devastatingly UNmotivated i am lately.

i say "lately" because normally i'm at least a  LITTLE motivated. you know, by friends, or by my need/want to not have to re-take college prep next year, etc.. but this week, all i want to do is sit around and not do what i know i'm supposed to be doing. (for example, before i go to work, i would at least THINK about if not actually DO some homework. but now all i do is sit around, and eat.)

but for the past two nights now, i've been getting in bed around 11, which is pretty late anyways, and i honestly just don't want to go to bed. i sit just chillin in my bed, exhausted and awake.

WHAT IS MY LIFE.

i'm not even motivated to go to bed!!! (fun-fact-about-sam #3: i LOVE sleeping.) i'm so unmotivated, and tired. i didn't even have the energy to be nice to people today. (i'm not saying that i'm nice all the time, to everyone, but usually i'm at least polite. (which wasn't exactly the case today.))

EXCUSES FOR BEING UNMOTIVATED:

1.) i am so over school.

2.) i'm sick. with a disease called "senioritis".

3.) i feel like the world is falling to crap.

 (but really, what is the world coming to?)

4.) i'm having legit* boy troubles.

5.) i work all the time.

6.) when i'm not working, i'm

 worrying about homework.

7.) i have too much to think about.

*i promise, my boy problems are legit, this time.

(meaning: said boy knows i actually exsist.) 

i'm not even kidding.

it is my personal opinion that these are 100% acceptable excuses for being unmotivated. 

(i even debated for a few minutes to even make the effort to come up with an actual list. (#lazylife).)

you bet i'm ending this post here because i have to work.

what is my life.

later kids,

sam

first blog post.

what does one talk about in a first-blog-post?

i've been pondering this question for a total of five days. so, naturally my patience came to an end four-and-a-half days ago. [fun-fact-about-sam #1: on a scale of one-ten my patience is a whole negative one].
after accepting the fact that i could not come up with a funny/witty/entertaining first-blog-post, i decided that i would do what i do best. (honestly, if this counts as a talent, its the only talent i have. and i have spent my whole live developing it.) i will ramble.

rambling in....3...2...1...*whisper-point/mouths* GO!

do i need a really good reason to start a blog? the only reason i have right now is that i want to write. i want people to read what i write. (not that i'm going to be telling a lot of people about this. [fun-fact-about-sam #2: i am really shy].)
but really? as far a starting a blog goes, i have a few limited options.

option #1. ramble some sort of deep* stuff about beginnings
option #2. tell you all about me (autobiography-type of thing)**
option #3. ramble about useless*** nothings.
option #4. spill all of my dirty secrets****

*i'm not saying i'm shallow, but i'm not saying that you'll think i'm particularly deep

**that autobiography would not be fun for me to write, nor you to read

***i'll only ramble about useless things on occasion. (also i hope you don't find this useless.)

****dirty secrets? HA. thats a funny joke. (as of three days ago, i have one. (and why would i tell my brand new blog anyways? we haven't even known each other for fifteen minutes!))

okay okay, since i am new to this whole "blogging-scene" i'm not 100% sure when i'm allowed to be finished with a post. so because i'm tired, and i haven't done my math homework yet and its currently 10:30 p.m., i am just going to have to end it here. (my apologies, i know you were really enjoying this.) [fun-fact-about-sam #3: i am pretty darn sarcastic.]

later kids,

sam